Isolation

When Ian had his prostate cancer 10 years ago it was a relatively quick process - diagnosis then operation, job done.  Luckily he didn't need any adjuvant treatment and apart from the regular check-ups, which he still has, that was that and we simply carried on with life.

So I never imagined what an isolating experience it would be and, along with the hair loss, this has probably been the most difficult aspect to deal with (but isn't that so often the case - what you think will be hard is easy and things you never thought would bother you - or didn't even think about full stop - would be hard)

Since mid July last year my thoughts (both waking and in dreams its seemed) have been about cancer and practically nothing else ... will it be cancer ... what will the treatment be ... will the operation be successful ...   the dreadful chemo wait ... what side effects will I have ... and so on.  And probably Ian and I have talked of very little else too.

It has been impossible to make firm plans because of treatments or the worry that side effects might affect plans, so we've lived in a kind of limbo state for nearly 8 months.

Because I've had nothing else in my mind and no other topic of conversation, often I've not felt able to instigate contact so I waited for family and friends to contact me - so, to anyone who felt “it’s her turn to get in touch” then I’m really, really sorry but I simply couldn’t.  And a huge “thank you” to everyone who persisted with me without getting much in return.

A few days away this week proved to me that I can put cancer to the back of my mind for a brief while and now I’m home I must make a conscious effort to do so.  Of course the thought that dominates now is .... will it come back

But I’ve only just finished radiotherapy and maybe I'm expecting too much of myself too quickly - time is a great healer (so “they” say)