OK I Lied - The Interminable Wait is Affecting Me Big Time!

This is mostly just the ramblings of a slight mad person - so suggest you skip it!

Having been told on Monday evening to expect the HER2 result imminently, Ian headed off to Spain for a golfing holiday at silly o'clock Tuesday morning (I absolutely insisted he went).

But .......................... Onco rang me early Wednesday morning to say the sample had gone to Birmingham for retesting and in all likelihood the results would be mid next week.  She would be on holiday although would have someone covering for her, but she kindly wanted to let me know so I could manage my expectations! 😤😤😤😤😤😤😤

Now we are due to go to Australia at the end of October and the plan so far is for the belt and braces radiotherapy when we get back.  There is a certain timeframe within which the benefit of R/T is considered at its optimum and we know that I'll be at the end of that when we get home but if all the preliminary stuff is done before I go then the zapping can start immediately we return.  

But, as I've already mentioned, if this HER2 test is negative then a further sample will be sent to the USA for assessing the benefits of chemo and that'll take a further 10 days minimum.

The travel insurance won't cover all our losses if we leave cancellation until the last minute - we'd treated ourselves to Business Class so that pushed the price up.  I know it's only money (as Ian would say) but if we're going to cancel at the end of the day then should we do it now and mitigate our losses?

Also it'll only leave us 2 weeks to prepare for the holiday - sorting out extra care for Mum (Alzheimer's), getting the house ready for visiting family, buying presents to take for new grandson and once again I can hear Ian saying that's not important, but it is - there are all sorts of little things I wanted to take, like an iconic red London Bus - not a real one obviously 😉, stinger suits (for Great Barrier Reef), the list is quite extensive.

And the big one - as my cancer is borderline HER2 positive - if by some miracle I can avoid chemo, should I not be having the R/T as quickly as possible to ensure maximum efficacy.

Not being able to talk it through with Ian, I went into a bit of a meltdown - well that's an understatement really - I totally lost it and ended up phoning a dear friend who dropped everything and visited me within the hour (you know who you are - a huge, huge thankyou 💖💖💖).  Whilst waiting for her to arrive, I phoned Onco's secretary and asked her if she could find out some info for me to help in decision making.

Thanks to my lovely friend's patience and understanding, I slowly got myself calmer and, bless her heart, Onco herself phoned me again early evening - her gut feeling is that chemo will be necessary which is why our meeting went the way it did (exactly as Ian had interpreted).  I was happy for the cleaner or anyone to have phoned me back, but Onco bothered to do it herself and I feel very grateful to have been put under her care.

Ian and I Skyped later and turns out he'd been having similar thoughts so, regrettably we have taken the decision to cancel the trip.  Whatever the final outcome - chemo or no chemo - making the decision has given us a feeling of control again and somehow better able to cope with the wait for results. 😌

Phew, feel better for getting that down.

I’m Still Waiting

Channelling my inner Diana Ross “I’m Still Waiting, ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh”

We hung around all day yesterday, trying to find jobs to do with the telephone welded to one hand.  Onco had said she’d ring at lunchtime and if course that had quite a wide interpretation but by 16:45 we’d heard nothing so I phoned the Galton Unit but was told that she was still “in clinic” and then going straight off to a meeting.  The young lady who answered the phone promised to get a message to her before she left though - but we heard nothing 😞

Then at 20:15 the phone rang and it was Onco, she was still working bless her.  Still no result on the HER2 test but she has finally found out why - the person who does the testing is off sick!  Onco says she'll continue to chase daily and obviously let me know immediately.

I am so grateful to her that she bothered to ring, it restored my faith in her.

So, I’m Still Waiting ................... but at least I know why and that is manageable - well almost! 😨

My Diary Is Filling Up

I forgot to mention in my Onco post that whilst I was at the Galton Unit on Thursday I bumped into the breast care nurse who was in attendance when God aspirated the seroma 10 days ago and, as the antibiotics were due to finish the following day, I asked her if she'd mind having a quick peek to make sure it all looked OK.

She wanted to find somewhere a bit more private than reception (obviously) so took me through the treatment room to a small area at the far side.  The room was full of chairs, I didn't count how many, and in each one of them sat someone hooked up to a drip receiving their dose of poisons - I waltzed through feeling fit as a fiddle but it did hit me that in a few weeks I could be one of those poor souls (absolutely not allowing self-pity to creep in here, honestly).

Anyway back to the seroma, Louise seemed to think all was well, but before you could say knife she whipped out her pen and - I think you may guess where this is going - drew on me again!!!  As before, should the reddening spread outside of the markings, get more antibiotics.  So far, everything's looking good and the swelling is also well down.

One of the treatments that, allegedly, we don't yet know I need, can apparently cause osteonecrosis of the jaw so would I please make arrangements to have a full dental assessment as soon as possible.  I am somewhat embarrassed to admit that I don't regularly go to the dentist, so we decided to try the fairly posh looking dental practice close to home and waited the best part of 40 mins whilst the extremely self-important person in front went through her diary, hour-by-hour, until they could find a suitable time for her.  The receptionist didn't seem the brightest but was very sweet to me and calmed my nerves, assuring me they would look after me well.  The appointment was set for next week but Friday we got a call to say there was a cancellation that afternoon if I would like it - you bet I would, as Ian is still around to hold my hand 👫

My lovely dentist's name is Pumba (I think) and I keep having Reggie Perring-like moments when I see a warthog before my eyes (think Lion King).  She was patient, kind, everything you could hope for especially as I kept having mini meltdowns at the thought that neglecting my teeth may prevent me from having essential (???) treatment.  But all is OK, two small fillings and a good clean up needed - not cheap mind you, but I have a few year's ££££ in the tooth bank.

Oh and I must get a flu jab done - amazingly my doctors have booked me in for the first day their vaccines are delivered.

And now my appointment for the more extensive heart test has arrived in the post.

1st Meeting With Oncologist - 20 September

Yesterday we had our first meeting with the Oncologist (hereinafter to be known as Onco).  A very pleasant lady with many years experience, who I am confident will do the best for me.

But sadly my brain is completely fried following the meeting, so much so that last night all I could report to my sister, BF and S-I-L was that we were still waiting test results - this is perfectly true but there was so much more to the meeting that 24 hours on I am only just now able to assimilate most of it.

Right from the initial diagnosis the plan has always been surgery, radiotherapy and hormone therapy for 5 years and whilst chemotherapy has never been categorically ruled out, it has certainly not been up there with the other 3 treatments - so I am really confused as to why we have just spent the last hour and more talking just about chemotherapy. 

We discussed in detail what drugs I will have, for how long, how they will be administered, the side effects (short and long term) - she even wrote up the Consent Form although she didn't press me to sign it there and then.

We talked about the Oncotype test and the cut off point on the results scale for which chemo is given (>25).

The sticking point is the damn HER2 result which they are still waiting for.  I queried why it's taking so long as it was part of the original biopsy 2 months ago, although we know this came back borderline (2+) and was then sent for retesting under FISH (don't ask!)  FISH is supposed to give a definite negative or positive but it seems mine was borderline - Onco said that apparently another lady this week is in exactly the same position and she's never known it before and is now waiting for the 3rd case - great.

"Hmmmm, maybe there is someone new doing the tests or standards are slipping" methinks! (and yes I did voice that 😈)

Onco then said that they were pushing hard for an unequivocal result but the best they have so far is borderline positive - and Ian reckons that is exactly why the conversation went the way it did.

She is fairly confident of an answer on Monday and has promised to telephone us lunchtime(ish), presumably after the weekly MDT meeting.

If it does come back negative then we're back to having the Oncotype DX test done and in her words "if you were my sister I would definitely want that done".  As I've said before this involves the sample being sent to America and the results are usually within 10 days - Ha! I've heard that one before 😠

So, my mind is madly seesawing between HER2 Positive = Chemo, HER2 Negative = Oncotype = 10 days waiting = ?????????????????

Meantime I'm sent off for an ECG to check that my heart can withstand the chemo and a further appointment is made for another, more rigorous, heart test.

Last night was horrible, I didn't sleep a wink - the wild wind probably didn't help but having gained a feeling of some kind of control/order I am totally at a loss again.

So ........................... we wait for Monday but in the meantime I'll try to PFTWHFTB 🙏🙏🙏

MDT (Multidisciplinary team)

Medway's Breast Cancer Team is a multidisciplinary team consisting of surgeons, oncologists, radiologists, pathologists, nurses, radiographers, counsellors, social workers and secretaries who all have specialist training and experience in the diagnosis and treatment of people with breast cancer.

What has been evident to me already, is the kind and gentle way each and every person we've come into contact with has treated us.  Even receptionists and secretaries who, lets face it, can often be absolute dragons have been wonderful and feeling as emotionally fragile as I do most of the time, I am so grateful for not having to go into battle to get somewhere.

I believe the team meets weekly and discusses the cases and between them they come up with the best treatment plan, which is marvellous and means I'm not reliant on one specific person's opinion of what is best for me.

After the successful surgery, God told us they have so far decided that I will need radiotherapy to kill off any possible remaining cancer cells and then because I am ER+ and PR+ I will have hormone treatment for 5 years.  

So ..................... the big one still to be decided is whether I must have chemo and hopefully we will know more after we meet the Oncologist tomorrow.  Or will we just have to wait for another round of results ☹️

Oncotype DX

This test, which is only available in the US, looks at 21 of the genes in the cancer cells to try and see how likely it is that the cancer will come back in the future.  It's nothing to do with genetic (inherited) testing but looks for abnormalities in gene activity within the cancer cells.

The main reason for testing is to see how beneficial chemotherapy will be in preventing a recurrence on a case-by-case basis, as a lot of people have been put through gruelling chemo for no obvious benefit.

I think I've already said I'll only be eligible for this if the HER2 is negative but I'm very grateful I'm being considered possibly suitable as I know it is expensive (£1,000+) and Ian and I had already discussed paying for it ourselves if I wasn't offered it

So if I can score low enough on this test I probably will be advised not to have chemo, although I believe it will still be my choice (as is all treatment along the way).  Different resources give different numbers on the scale so I'm going to wait to hear from the Oncologist before I think too deeply about that.

But first I need the results of the second HER2 test because, as I understand it, if that's positive its chemo anyway 😟

Back to See God - 10 September

The 2 1/2 weeks since the op has gone very slowly and there have been many sleepless nights and worried days - was it all removed, has it spread to the lymph nodes, did he really tell me it was bigger than expected or was that a dream?

I've read and re-read all the leaflets, websites, forums you name it but of course there is nothing I can actually discover that will put my mind at ease.

We were ridiculously early for our appointment with God and yes, you've guessed it, he was running 1 1/2 hours late.  Actually I don't mind that because some cases need more time spent on them than the standard and one time that case might be me and I wouldn't like to be rushed.  From a waiting room full of people, it finally came down to just two of us waiting (with husbands) and we had a good laugh as to who was the lucky one and getting in next - yippee, it was me, I promised to be quick.

After the obligatory pleasantries we got down to the facts, the tumour was completely excised and no evidence of cancer in the 3 lymph nodes removed.  Thank God (both of them)  I don't think I have ever felt so relieved in my whole life.  The tumour was indeed larger than first thought 23mm not 18mm but when I asked God if he had told me that already, he said "No", but he had visited me in Recovery.

But apparently when I was stripping off behind the curtain, he looked back through his notes and with what Ian describes as a cheeky grin said "Oh, maybe she was right!"

The seroma was still quite large and very red and angry looking and he was most upset to see it and could not stop apologising.  The line of incision on the boob is just amazing, it's a semi-circle which follows the line of the nipple completely and I should imagine in a couple of years will hardly be noticeable.  So he is clearly a very clever and neat surgeon and to see the horrible red, lumpy seroma was obviously a shock for him.  But he aspirated again (50ml) this time and squeezed and prodded it about - ouch! prescribed some stronger antibiotics and, blow me down, drew on me yet again!!!  A circle around the area with strict instructions to switch antibiotics if the redness started to go out of the circle.

He has arranged for me to have a follow up mammogram and appointment in one year's time but for now is handing me over to the Oncology Dept who will discuss further treatment.  Oh and the HER2 test results came back borderline so they are retesting under a different method (FISH).  And if I am HER2 negative then I am a good candidate for the Oncotype DX test.

The Ups and Downs of Recovery

Sadly I didn't sleep much last night but I suppose all in all that wasn't too surprising.  But I managed to get myself into a comfortable position and stayed there thanks to some strategically placed pillows.

This morning I feel marvellous and wouldn't know I'd had a general anaesthetic or operation or anything - amazing.  Surely the drugs will wear off soon and I'll be in agony!  I've been recommended to take both paracetamol and ibuprofen at regular intervals, whether or not anything hurts, so that's what I'll do.

I managed to go shopping with Ian and visit my Mum but by the afternoon I was pretty whacked out so went to bed and slept for several hours.

No driving for at least 2 weeks, no ironing, hoovering or lifting for 4 weeks.

The next week was amazing, at no time was I in any pain whatsoever - mild discomfort was the strongest it ever got.  I was even able to walk around Royal St George's Golf Course just a week after the op.

10 days post op. a swelling started around the site of lymph node excision and we assumed it was a seroma (a build-up of fluid which often occurs after an operation, particularly breast ones) and after a couple of days I was in a great deal of pain with it so we contacted Cathie (Breast Care Nurse) who called us in and drained the swelling (30ml of fluid) - phew what a relief!  I was warned it might refill and that they don't like to drain the b*ggers too many times, otherwise the body forgets what it should do ie. disperse the fluid naturally.  Unfortunately on the way home from hospital I could already feel it refilling and by the following morning it was nearly as large again.  But hey ho, have to put up with  it this time!

My little “Deer Friend” has really come into his own now, popped under the armpit he makes a nice soft cushion especially at night.

By the Friday (2 weeks post op) I wasn't feeling too good at all and as Ian was out for the day I spent the whole time vegging out on the chaise lounge (I knew it would eventually be of use  😀).  The following morning we noticed the whole area around the seroma was very red and angry looking so we had no option but to call 111 and get an emergency doctors appointment.  Antibiotics prescribed which hopefully will do the trick.

D-Day (Well O-Day really) - 24 August

Despite at times feeling today would never arrive, it has of course and I have to admit the thought of going "under the knife" scares me silly.

Never having had an operation or even been in hospital, I don't have a clue what to expect - will I be sick, will I say silly things, will I loose control of bodily functions (as once happened when I was knocked unconscious falling off a horse on Dartmoor), will I be in pain.  All I do know is I want Ian with me as long as possible.

We have to be at Medway Hospital for 07:00 with strict instructions not to eat or drink milk after 02:30 and not even water after 06:30.

Of course we allowed for heavy traffic (at 06:00 really ?) so were very early and POCU (Pre Operative Care Unit) wasn't even open so we hung around in the corridor.  Finally we and numerous others in for all sorts of operations were admitted.  I was 3rd (last) on God's list so not due into theatre until early afternoon but firstly I had to have a couple of other procedures in preparation.

My first visit was next door to the Nuclear Dept 😰 where I have a blue dye injected into my boob so that God can correctly identify my sentinel lymph nodes (the first line of defence in the lymphatic system for anything emanating from the boob including cancer).  What a super place it was; comfy seats, TV, up-to-date magazines, even a coffee station with biscuits (great for Ian but of course I was Nil By Mouth!!!)

Yet again, the nurse was smashing and did her best to put me at my ease whilst she injected me with the blue dye, apparently my boob will go blue and my wee will be blue for a few days - makes a change from the beetroot effect I suppose.  I had to wait around and massage the area for 10 mins or so to get everything moving, but I had a long wrap with me so could be discreet.  Then I was taken off to lie in a very large machine which would check the dye had reached the required area.  This room was freezing (to stop the massive machines overheating I suppose) and it seemed to take forever with the machine whirring around me from all sides and then finally the technologist pronounced all was good and drew on me with a green felt tip.  Then her boss came in to confirm the drawings were in the right place.

Back to POCU where I'd missed the anaesthetist's morning round so one of the nurses kindly went off to check if I could have a cup of tea - hurrah, provided I drank it quickly, I was able to have a cup of black tea - nectar.

Then it was down to the Breast Care Unit for a wire to be inserted into my boob (as the tumour is non palpable God needs to know where to start cutting so basically follows the line of the wire).  I wasn't overly looking forward to this bit and unfortunately a trainee was doing the job and took a long, long time to get the wire in the correct position (it's done looking at an ultrasound screen).  She was being fully supervised and the two kept arguing about how it should be done.  It didn't really hurt as I'd had a local but it was just the feeling of someone rummaging around.  Once again I had to be drawn on, expect Boss Lady didn't like the markings Trainee was doing as she said they would confuse God so she drew on me too - we all had a good laugh as clearly they all enjoy doing some colouring first thing in the morning.  Finally the 6" of wire left sticking out was taped down so it didn't snag on anything eeek!

Back to POCU and the first shift of bodies had gone to theatre so there was a room for Ian and I to sit and wait - and what a long wait it was, probably about 4 hours and during this time I managed to get more and more wound up at the thought of the general anaesthetic.  But I was visited by both the anaesthetist and a junior member of God's team and both were so lovely and did their best to put me at my ease - but of course I cried a lot.  A sweet little Filipino lady came and helped me put the anti embolism stockings on and finally about 13:00 my details were checked yet again and I was told to get into the gown as someone would be coming for me shortly.

Poor Kate (Assistant Anaesthetist), as soon as she walked into the room I burst into tears.  Apparently the record for her as she hadn't even managed to introduce herself.  She walked me down the corridors and eventually to Theatre 7 where I had to lie on the trolley whilst they prepared me.  Everyone was so very lovely to me and made me chat away about nothing, just to take my mind of things and it worked - the next thing I remember was someone telling me to wake up and that I was in recovery.

I seemed to spend an age waking properly and dozing back off for a few minutes until someone woke me again.  I have a vision of God (the Surgeon, not the real one 🙃) standing at the foot of the bed and telling me he'd got the whole thing out but it had been larger than expected - but was that just a dream?

I was absolutely busting for a wee and not just to see if it was blue.  The nurse brought me a bedpan but as I was lying rather than sitting I found it impossible to "go" so gave up.  Eventually the urge became just too strong and after sitting more upright I was able to and what a relief it was.

Patients are not discharged directly from the Recovery Ward but have to go via a day ward and we had been warned in POCU that there is often a very long wait for a bed, so you end up stuck in Recovery for hours.  POCU had kindly offered though, if I wanted, they would have me back and discharge me from there - so when it looked like I was in for a long wait , I mentioned this.   Back came the reply that as long as Ian could get there in 20 mins to collect me POCU would have me back, so bless his heart he drove like the clappers and was in time.

What a long day, we got home about 19:00 and before very long I was tucked up in bed, confident I'd sleep like a log.

Pre Op Assessement - 14 August

As I've already said, things move along quite rapidly, although a week feels like a lifetime when you're waiting. 

And now, less than a week since I met God, I'm having my pre operative assessment - my op date having been brought forward a week to 24 August (thank you God's secretary).

The letter said I would have a range of tests; Bloods / ECG / Temperature / Blood Pressure / Pulse (there is one I can assure you) Chest x-ray / Urine - but in actual fact I had none of these, just a swab up the nose for MRSA screening.

Please bring with you a list of all the medications you are taking - that one was easy NONE

Then followed a tortuously long meeting with a nurse which covered a whole series of topics designed to find any contra-indications - there were none.

Age 58, fit, healthy (well apart from the cancer), never been in hospital, never had a general anaesthetic, not on any medication and yes, I can walk a flight of stairs without getting puffed out.

But my oh my, how she loved to chat - I heard about her family, her cats and, rather inappropriately I thought, her estranged sister's terminal cancer!

Long, Long Nights

This bloody cancer dominates my every waking thought, its bound to I suppose.  But it's not in a morbid sense, there is never a thought in my mind that I'm going to die (prematurely).   I will get through this, it's just about how, when and what and the complete lack of control - we seem to be waiting all the time - for appointments, results, next steps - though really not for very long in real terms.

But as I don't sleep well, I haven't done for years,  I have a lot of "waking" hours and my mind goes into overdrive and of course things are always worse in the middle of the night.

My most comfortable sleeping position is flat on my front but now I lie there wondering if somehow that will spread the cancer - how stupid is that?

I go onto the internet but promise myself I'll keep away from the "dodgy" sites because all they deliver is uncertainty and fear - I can't really describe what I'm frightened of -  I suppose just that our lives will never be the same again.

Often I don't fall asleep until dawn but Ian, bless him, has taken on phoning Mum so I can sleep as late as I want.

From not crying initially I am now in the "can't stop phase" and the slightest thought brings the tears welling up.  Again, I don't really know why, I'm absolutely not feeling Why Me? What Have I done to Deserve This? (plenty is probably the answer but let's not go there) and of course I can't stop myself talking about it ad infinitum, the slightest bit of information I glean is then dissected over and over again - poor Ian 😇

And when Ian's not around, I turn to my Sister, BF and S-I-L for support - they're all great, not ones to overdramatise and people who let me say (write) how I'm feeling.  

My First Appointment with God - 6 August

Although it was only just over a week till we met the Surgeon as you will imagine it was a long, long week.  We had a couple of things to do at the weekend, a garden party in a Suffolk meadow and an afternoon with old (I mean longstanding) friends which helped take my mind off it.

I didn't want to tell anyone, other people's illnesses are so boring and I don't like fuss or people gossiping about me, however kindly it's meant.  But of course my sister had to know (just in case it's genetic which it isn't but .......), then I told my best friend as we were meeting at the weekend.

All surgeons are Gods - to a greater or lesser extent they all have your life in their hands

Mine is new to Medway having lived in Cornwall for ages but I looked him up and he seems very passionate (if that's the right word) about breast conserving surgery and has done little else for the past 20 years.  I must remember to call it breast 'conserving" not "conservation"!

He is very nice, Egyptian and quite thickly accented but, as I'd read and re-read all my leaflets, I knew in advance more or less what he was going to say.

Ian and I had obviously discussed it at length before the meeting and both feel that the least surgery you undergo the better, so a full mastectomy followed by reconstruction was not something I would ever choose (if I had to have a MX then I would stay "flat") so I was more than happy when he recommended a wide local excision (or lumpectomy as it used to be called) followed by radiotherapy - although I could elect to have a MX if I wanted!

I will also need to have biopsies of the sentinal lymph nodes in my armpit as this is the first place an "escaping" breast cancer will go to.

We double-checked that I wasn't putting myself at any increased risk by having the WLE and then I signed on the dotted line.

Provisional date for op - 31 August (nearly 4 whole weeks to wait 😨)

Facts and Figures

Feel free to skip this post, it's the rather boring, technical stuff.

Apparently I have a 18x18x12mm Grade 3 invasive ductal adenocarcinoma which sounds awfully scary especially when all the terminology is so new.  The leaflets Cathie has given me were produced by Breast Cancer Care so they are factual, accurate and more importantly non sensationalist whereas Dr Google is full of terrifying and false info.

So I can understand what the diagnosis means in my case.

Grade 3 - the cells look abnormal and may grow or spread more aggressively.

Invasive - its moved out of the milk duct and has the ability to spread around the body (important I keep reminding myself "ability to" doesn't mean it has).

The size of the tumour in relation to my boob size hopefully means I'll be suitable for less invasive surgery. 

The ultrasound of the armpit (axilla) was normal so fingers crossed nothing has spread to my lymph nodes.

ER+ 8 and PR+ 6 - most breast cancers (approx 80%) are known to be hormone receptive (ie they receive signals from Estrogen and Progesterone which may encourage growth) and mine are, which as far as I can ascertain is good as it means I can be given Hormone Therapy which will block the signals.

HER2 Awaited - HER2 (hormone epidermal growth factor receptor 2) can increase the rate at which a cancer grows/spreads and also recurs.  In about 25% of breast cancers this is positive - my results on this are still outstanding 😕

All of these things are relevant when it comes to deciding the best post surgery treatment.

Roll Up Roll Up - Get Your Cancer Bonuses Here

Parking at the hospital is not cheap - min £2 -  I was flabbergasted to be given a letter which gives us free parking.

I also have a form to send off which will exempt me from prescription charges for 5 years - irrespective of whether the prescription is cancer related or indeed irrespective of my cancer being "cured" in the meantime.

I can have counselling, massage and other complimentary therapies, financial advice, transport - all for nothing!

Oh, and I was also given this little chap (looks like a deer to me).

Its purpose has yet to be revealed but apparently I am lucky to get one as they're running out 😮

Why Am I Writing A Blog?

I've decided to write a blog for several reasons

• it helps me to make sense of everything that is happening and enables me to keep a certain degree of perspective

• when I do finally tell more friends and family it will save them having to hear all the details - I can just send them the link and they can catch up or skip as they please 😜

• I enjoy writing my holiday blogs but they may have to take a back seat for a while

• it proves to me that I can learn about matters totally outside of anything I could previously comprehend or indeed conceive (quite important as you get older and don't have to learn for work etc)

• further down the line when all is good again, inevitably I will forget some of what is actually happening.  Certainly my emotions will be different and hopefully I will be able to look back with a wry smile and wonder what all the fuss was about

and, probably most importantly

• somehow gives me a feeling of being in control of the situation (not sure I can explain that)

and having listed all that, I've suddenly remembered the word that probably covers all the above - it's cathartic 😌

Whoa - Let's Rewind

Well, I know all that's happened up to this point but if you're going to follow my story I think it's best I quickly recap so you have all the background info:

5 July - Routine Mammogram 

I think this is my 4th of these dubious pleasures, although they are not the most terribly painful things imaginable (as my mother had helpfully told me many years ago).  If you haven't had one yet, it just feels like your boob is being squashed in a vice (which essentially it is) but it only lasts a minute or so and that's it for the next 3/5 years.

16 July - Letter from Breast Screening 

Requesting I attend a second screening which would involve more x-rays and clinical examination.  Along with this came a very helpful leaflet telling me a little more about what else could happen - but of course this wasn't of relevance to me as obviously my recall was only because the machine had been faulty on that day and they merely wanted a better image.

(Stats:  96 in 100 do not get recalled after mammogram)

20 July - At The Breast Care Unit 

It was virtually empty when we went for the 18:20 appointment and, despite all the "No Men Beyond This Point" signs, Ian was ushered to the waiting area with me.  I was called into the x-ray room and the lovely radiographer explained that they wanted more detailed images of my right boob so she would have to squash it more than usual and sorry if it hurt.  Very slowly the penny dropped, maybe not just a faulty machine then.

After the x-rays (didn't really hurt) I then went to see the Doctor who physically examined my boob and commented that it was unremarkable - charming!!!  She then did an ultrasound and explained that as there was an area they were suspicious of, she would be taking some material for a biopsy.  A needle is inserted into the boob and something (I didn't look) then makes a loud click and a sample is taken.  Again, this was not particularly painful but after the first one I was a bit nervous and tense so I felt the next ones more.  She then inserted a "marker clip" so the area of concern could be easily found again in the future if necessary.  After that I had to have a few more x-rays to make sure the marker was in the correct place so would need to squash the boob even more and if I'm honest - which I shall try to be throughout this story - yes that did hurt.

I had to wait again whilst the Doctor checked the x-rays and was then free to go, except by then I was feeling rather faint.  I'm never too good with medical things and quite frankly having gone into the unit convinced I was only being recalled due to a faulty machine, to suddenly find my self biopsed (is that even a word?) and marked for the future was a bit of a shock.

(Stats:  3 in 4 with abnormal screening will not have cancer)

As someone who is naturally pessimistic, I am trying to make myself look at stats in a positive fashion ie. 3 out of 4 good, rather than 1 in 4 bad.

We were then given an appointment to return in 10 days for the result.

24 July - Letter From Breast Care Unit

As is standard practice, I received a copy of the letter sent to my GP and there, along with various other details, it was: U4 = Suspicious of Malignancy.  Although Ian remained his usual  optimistic self, thinking back to my appointment at no time did the Doctor say anything about it being just a precaution or unlikely to be or anything reassuring at all.  So I continued to PFTWHFTB which I think Ian found a little irritating but accepted that it was my way of dealing with it.

31 July - At The Breast Care Unit 

Sadly we had to miss a trip to Devon for this appointment but obviously it wasn't something that should be postponed.

We had to wait over an hour so nerves were pretty frayed by the time we went in.  Once again Ian was ushered in alongside me (is that a bad sign?).  The Doctor was lovely and delivered her sentence with the greatest compassion.  She seemed surprised how well I took it, so I repeated my mantra ......... PFTWHFTB - she wished me luck.

We then went into a side room and met Cathie the Breast Cancer Nurse who told us an appointment had been made to see a surgeon the following week and gave us some useful leaflets.

It really is marvellous the way the appointments are set up for you and you just proceed to the next step.  I guess once you're on the treadmill.

As I said in my opening post, I didn't fall apart, no tears, nothing.  I know Ian thought it was unlike me but I talked about anything else I could think of, we had dinner and went to bed as normal.

How Just One Sentence Can Change Your Life

"I'm very sorry Mrs Crook, but the results of the biopsy confirm that you have Breast Cancer."

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best*  ........................ that had been my mantra and it worked, I didn't fall apart - well not there and then anyway - in fact I didn't even mention it for another 24 hours.


* from now on PFTWHFTB