This bloody cancer dominates my every waking thought, its bound to I suppose. But it's not in a morbid sense, there is never a thought in my mind that I'm going to die (prematurely). I will get through this, it's just about how, when and what and the complete lack of control - we seem to be waiting all the time - for appointments, results, next steps - though really not for very long in real terms.
But as I don't sleep well, I haven't done for years, I have a lot of "waking" hours and my mind goes into overdrive and of course things are always worse in the middle of the night.
My most comfortable sleeping position is flat on my front but now I lie there wondering if somehow that will spread the cancer - how stupid is that?
I go onto the internet but promise myself I'll keep away from the "dodgy" sites because all they deliver is uncertainty and fear - I can't really describe what I'm frightened of - I suppose just that our lives will never be the same again.
Often I don't fall asleep until dawn but Ian, bless him, has taken on phoning Mum so I can sleep as late as I want.
From not crying initially I am now in the "can't stop phase" and the slightest thought brings the tears welling up. Again, I don't really know why, I'm absolutely not feeling Why Me? What Have I done to Deserve This? (plenty is probably the answer but let's not go there) and of course I can't stop myself talking about it ad infinitum, the slightest bit of information I glean is then dissected over and over again - poor Ian 😇
And when Ian's not around, I turn to my Sister, BF and S-I-L for support - they're all great, not ones to overdramatise and people who let me say (write) how I'm feeling.
And when Ian's not around, I turn to my Sister, BF and S-I-L for support - they're all great, not ones to overdramatise and people who let me say (write) how I'm feeling.
